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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

'My husband has a favourite son - and it's torn our family apart': Why preferring one child to another can create havoc at home

Posted on 8:20 PM by dvdsvdsdv

Red-cheeked and tear-stained, my son writhed around and banged his fists so hard on the hallway floor, I was worried he’d hurt his hands.
Nothing would placate him. Offers of games in the garden or a trip to the park were angrily dismissed.
It was the first time I had witnessed Zach, then four, so inconsolable. But I knew only too well the cause: my husband had taken our eldest son shopping for toys without him.
It was yet another example of a growing disparity in their treatment and Zach’s response was to refuse to move from the front door until they returned — with lots of Lego for Gabriel and not so much as a solitary brick for him.
Favouritism: Lisa is all too aware that Gabriel (front) is her husband's favourite, while Zach (back, right) and Malik get left out
Favouritism: Lisa is all too aware that Gabriel (front) is her husband's favourite son, while the couple's two other boys, Zach (back, right) and Malik (back, left), are excluded
The awful truth is that of our three children, my husband Joseph, 48, has a clear favourite. And Zach is very aware that it isn’t him.
At this point, I must stress that I love my sons equally and it is this fierce motherly devotion that makes it all the more painful that my husband patently prioritises seven-year-old Gabriel, however much he may deny it.
The fact that mothers or fathers may favour one sibling over the other has long been taboo, but a recent survey confirmed that as many as 62 per cent of British parents admit to not giving their children equal attention. One in 12 confirmed they like one child more than their others.
It’s no surprise to me that such inequality is frighteningly common. And I worry about the damage this wreaks on those relegated to the sidelines.
In my own home, the thorny subject has been the trigger for many a bitter row. Admittedly, Joseph’s work as a financial analyst means he has little time to spend with the children, but when he does, he undoubtedly gravitates towards Gabriel.
It’s his first-born he asks to speak to when he phones from work. He also helps with his homework and invites him to help make pizza of an evening.
Meanwhile, Zach, now six, and Mallik, three, are largely overlooked. This bond between father and eldest son was forged when Zach was born. Until then, Gabriel, then 14 months, and I had been inseparable. But he clearly felt betrayed when his little brother was born.
When he watched me breastfeed Zach — having only stopped breastfeeding himself a few months before — he was so stunned, he didn’t speak to me for weeks. 
Trouble: Lisa's husband makes excuses such as Zach being too young and too hard to control on outings
Trouble: Lisa's husband makes excuses such as Zach being too young and too hard to control on outings

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

88 per cent of mothers admit to treating sons and daughters differently, according to a British survey
Whenever I tried to change or feed him, he pushed me away: 'Papa do it.' Having always felt that he came second in my son’s affections, Joseph revelled in this sudden parental promotion.
At first, I was delighted to see this special relationship blossom. But then I realised that a pencil line had effectively been drawn down between the four of us: Joseph and Gabriel on one side, Zach and myself on the other. 
While I cared for Zach, a clingy baby who insisted on being strapped to my chest in a sling all day, Joseph entertained Gabriel. 
They would play football together, go to Saturday morning cinema or shop for Lego — Gabriel’s passion. Joseph would even take him to his office and sit him at his desk. 
At the time, I assumed that this preference was down to the fact that Zach was too young for such activities. But then Zach’s milestones passed largely ignored and Joseph showed no signs of including him in the ‘boys’ team’ when Mallik arrived in 2009.
Whenever I urged Joseph to take Zach with him while I stayed at home with Mallik, he made the excuse he was in a hurry and two were too much to handle. When he turned three, Zach himself started to protest. First came the stand-offs at the front door whenever Joseph and Gabriel disappeared without him.
Then, having been toilet-trained from the age of two-and-a-half, Zach started having deliberate ‘accidents’. He also began to refuse food, so much so the nursery staff would feed him in a separate room so staff could focus on encouraging him.
Then came the dramatic scenes whenever we were in public. I’d be pushing Mallik in his pram with one brother on either side when Zach would suddenly dash off into the crowds. 
But it was during one distressing summer episode that the link between his misbehaviour and his father’s favouritism became crystal clear. We were in the park when Zach darted off towards a strange man. I watched, mortified, as he clung limpet-like to the man’s leg, refusing to let go.
When I finally prised Zach away and asked why he’d done such a thing, he replied: 'I want to go to another daddy’s home.'
Doting: Like Lisa's husband, Barcelona star, Gerard Pique, is utterly besotted his first born son, Milan
Doting: Like Lisa's husband, Barcelona star, Gerard Pique, is utterly besotted his first born son, Milan
I was devastated by this literal demonstration of his longing to be loved by a father. Later, I told Joseph, but he said I was being melodramatic to make the connection; that it was just another example of Zach’s attention-seeking. 'Yes, it’s your attention he seeks!' I barked.
Joseph dismissed this angrily, saying he loves his sons equally but that Zach was too young to go out with him. (To me this excuse is rubbish; after all, it didn’t apply to Gabriel at the same age). 
Around the same time, the headteacher at Zach’s Montessori school told me he’d become 'undisciplinable'. I was stunned because we’d always been careful to drum obedience and courtesy into our boys.
Deeply worried, I enlisted the help of a health visitor. She visited every week for nearly two months. I felt vindicated when she suggested that Joseph spent time alone with Zach.
But, despite many more arguments, this never happened. A pattern had been set: Joseph and Gabriel, Zach and me.
But it’s little Mallik who gets the rawest deal of all. Until he was two, Joseph would refer dismissively to him as 'the baby'. There was rarely, if any, interaction. When Mallik started talking, he would try to make conversation with his dad. But Joseph would never look away from whatever he was doing with Gabriel.
'Papa isn’t listening to me again,' Mallik would say. Now, at bedtime, he’ll blow his dad a kiss rather than smother him with hugs and kisses as Gabriel does. And he wants me to do everything for him. Given the choice, he’d rather spend all his time with me.
But still Joseph continues to deny he’s to blame, even though friends and family have started to comment on his blatant favouritism.
But he says that when Zach was born, his paternal instinct kicked in to protect his eldest son and make him feel as though he hadn’t been displaced.
Joseph was a favoured son himself, and says he’d hate to think our boys don’t all feel equal in his affections. He says he’s going to make a concerted effort to devote quality time to both Zach and Mallik, while not overlooking Gabriel.
Together: England assistant coach, Andy Farrell works closely with his son, rugby flyhalf, Owen
Together: England assistant coach, Andy Farrell works closely with his son, rugby flyhalf, Owen
Tellingly, Joseph himself is very much his own father’s favourite. That is evident even today. His father is fiercely proud of him, while his three younger siblings’ achievements go unsung.
We are often invited to family events where Joseph’s two brothers and sister are notably absent. Ironically, when challenged, Joseph admits he feels upset for his siblings.
As for Gabriel, our favoured son is aware of the exalted position he holds in his father’s affections. I was lost for words when he once asked me: 'Why doesn’t Papa love Mallik?'
Gabriel is a sweet boy who will sometimes donate a gift from his father to one of his brothers. The one positive is that his father’s devotion has enabled him to overcome a certain shyness to become a confident child. 
What’s most heartbreaking is Zach’s ever more elaborate attempts to win over his father. He’s taken to making up his own jokes and pop songs with specially tailored lyrics about loving his Papa. Thankfully, these do prompt unbridled laughter from Joseph.
Zach has also worked hard to achieve the same high standards as his brother academically and artistically. Gabriel is a talented artist and Zach is intent on proving his expertise in the same field. He’s also become an expert at Lego.
There has been some progress. In the past few months, Joseph has started taking Gabriel and Zach swimming together — one area where the younger brother has the upper hand.
Zach swims fearlessly into the deep end, dives to the bottom of the pool and races his father, while Gabriel is more hesitant. A few words of praise from his dad make Zach deliriously happy — something that touches me deeply.
However, I am still worried that the damage may have been done. That the fine pencil line that divides my family is becoming ever more indelible. At least, in my heart, they are all truly equal.

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